From: Sonofawitch069@aol.com
Sent: Thursday, April 11, 2002 10:55 PM
To: DrtBall99@aol.com; Edacdinger@aol.com; EDACBOR@aol.com; jeremyc70@hotmail.com; Willmnstr@aol.com; flauer@gte.net; dholding@kc.devry.edu; kevinblane@prodigy.net; Andro17_2000@yahoo.com; ShilleanAbbott@aol.com; bagpiper@kc.rr.com
Subject: Airline Humor....................
>
>On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
>crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
>cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
>This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of
>your flight attendants."
>
>On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all
>your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
>make sure it's something we'd like to have."
>
>"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
>4 ways out of this airplane."
>
>"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
>enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
>you for a ride."
>
>As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
>National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
>fella. WHOA!"
>
>After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
>Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
>"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
>after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
>
>From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
>Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
>tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
>other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one,
>you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
>
>In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
>descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
>it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
>secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
>with more than one small child pick your favorite.
>
>Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
>but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you,
>and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
>Airlines."
>
>"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event
>of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
>them with our compliments."
>
>"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks the overhead area.
>Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
>children... or other adults acting like children."
>
>"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
>Anything
>left behind will be distributed evenly
>among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
>spouses."
>
>And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
>is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
>industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>
>Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
>Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
>"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm
>here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
>pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the
>asphalt!"
>
>Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
>on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach,
>the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely
>hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
>welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat
>belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane
>to the gate!"
>
>Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
>"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
>to the terminal."
>
>An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
>hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
>policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
>the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying
>XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a
>hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone
>would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except
>for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind
>if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is
>it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
>
>After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
>came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
>until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
>screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
>cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door
>and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
>
>Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
>thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
>get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
>metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
>
>A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
>comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
>over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
>speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to
>Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should
>have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH,
>MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain
>came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
>so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the
>flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot
>coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
>in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"