Subj:    God and lawns
>
> Imagine the conversation The Creator might have had with St. Francis 
on
> the subject of lawns:
>
> GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature.  What in the world 
is
> going on down there in the East?  What happened to the dandelions,
> violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?  I had a perfect,
> no-maintenance garden plan.  Those plants grow in any type of soil,
> withstand drought and multiply with abandon.  The nectar from  the 
long
> lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of 
songbirds.
> I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.  But all I see are 
these
> green rectangles.
>
> ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.  The 
Suburbanites.
> They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths 
to
> kill them and replace them with grass.
>
> GOD: Grass?  But it's so boring.  It's not colorful.  It doesn't 
attract
> butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms.  It's 
temperamental
> with temperatures.  Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
> growing there?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord.  The go to great pains to grow it 
and
> keep it green.  The begin each spring by fertilizing grass and 
poisoning
> any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
>
> GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow 
really
> fast.  That must make the Suburbanites happy.
>
> ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it grows a little, 
they cut
> it-sometimes twice a week.
>
> GOD: They cut it?  Do they then bail it like hay?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in
> bags.
>
> GOD: They bag it?  Why?  Is it a cash crop?  Do they sell it?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: No Sir.  Just the opposite.  They pay to throw it away.
>
> GOD: Now let me get this straight.  They fertilize grass so it will 
grow.
> And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
>
> ST. FRANCIS:  Yes, Sir.
>
> GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut 
back on
> the rain and turn up the heat.  That surely slows the growth and 
saves
> them a lot of work.
>
> ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord.  When the grass 
stops
> growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it 
so
> they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
>
> GOD: What nonsense.  At least they kept some of the trees.  That was 
a
> sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.  The trees grow leaves 
in
> the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.  In the autumn 
they
> fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the 
soil
> and protect the trees and bushes.  Plus, as they rot, the leaves form
> compost to enhance the soil.  It's a natural circle of life.
>
> ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord.  The Suburbanites have drawn 
a new
> circle.  As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles 
and
> pay to have them hauled away.
>
> GOD: No.  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
> winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy 
something
> which they call mulch.  They haul it home and spread it around in 
place of
> the leaves.
>
> GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
>
> ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
>
> GOD: Enough.  I don't want to think about this anymore.  St. 
Catherine,
> you're in charge of the arts.  What movie have you scheduled for us
> tonight?
>
> ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord.  It's a real stupid movie 
about.....
>
> GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. 
Francis.