Home Page - Jokes on OO and OOP Jokes on OO and OO Programming -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DISCLAIMER: This collection of jokes on object-orientation and object-oriented programming was resulted from a message posted in 1994 on the internet for cheering up my C++ students. Since then, I received many replies that are compiled into the current collection. In most cases, the original contributors of the jokes were not mentioned. As a practical solution, I kept the e-mail addresses of the person who sent me these jokes. All jokes are in their original form when I received them. I have done neither revising nor screening, except simple HTML formatting. Hence, I can only be responsible for the formatting errors. If you have jokes that have not be collected here, you may send them to me (shong@gsu.edu). If possible, please indicate the original contributor of your piece. Return to My Home Page -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- from Gary There is not now and never will be a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. is from Article=Flon75, Key="Flon", Author="Lawrence Flon", Title="On Research in Structured Programming", Journal=SIGPLAN, Volume=10, Number=10, Month=Oct, Year=1975, Pages="16-17", -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Tom Flaherty This joke was told at a Yourdon seminar by Julian L. Morgan. Question: What is the difference between an object methodologist and a terrorist? Answer: You can negotiate with the terrorist. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From : paranjpe@cs.sc.edu C : God's programming's language (above definition appears in Glossary : OpenGL Programmers Guide given below is my creative) then C++ is a realization of the mistakes God made with it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: dbuck@ccs.carleton.ca I believe it was Bill Gates who said: "Most C++ programmers really only use a subset of C++ commonly known as C++--." And, you can always start talking about private parts in C++. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: watson@sce.carleton.ca My source for both of these is Prof. Gerald Karam of the Dept. of Systems and Computer Engineering, here at Carleton, but I can't vouch that he is the originator: "In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them." "C lets you shoot yourself in the foot rather easily. C++ allows you to blow your whole leg off." And I think I heard this at a seminar: "Old C programmers never die. They're just cast into void." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: wellner@mcs.com The only one I know is from comp.object How many object programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. You just send a change bulb message to the socket object! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: You're still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Anonymous From Win95 for Dummies: Q: How many programers does it take to screw in a light bulb A: None.. Thats a Hard Ware problem... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: anders@tuborg.nork.auc.dk Sat Sep 24 05:08:24 1994 Sent to me by a friend who found it somewhere on the net. C++ is like teenage sex * It is on everyone's mind all the time. * Everyone talks about it all the time. * Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it. * Almost no one is really doing it. * The few who are doing it are: * Doing it poorly. * Sure it will be better next time. * Not practicing it safely. * Everyone's bragging about their successes all the time, although very few have actually had any. Grafitti found in a toilet stall at the Faculty of comp.sci., Technion--IIT, Haifa, Israel on 8 November 1993. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: gnb@melba.bby.com.au The old standard: Have you hear they are developing an OO version of COLBOL? It's called "ADD ONE TO COBOL". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: bhimmels@ucseng.att.com I dunno if this will get outta our building, but here goes: No matter where you go, &this. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: uunet.uu.net!bpgc!bryan A surgeon, a civil engineer and a software engineer were chatting at a bar. The discussion rolled around to whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon said that his was, since in the book of Genesis, God created Eve from one of Adam's ribs, and surly that involved surgery. The civil engineer countered by saying that before God created man, he created the heavens and the Earth from chaos, surly a feat of civil engineering. The software engineer just smiled and said "Where do you think the chaos came from?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From dweber@cs.uni-sb.de Tue Sep 27 05:17:14 1994 As everyone knows, Smalltalk is purely object-oriented and it's unconvenient to send messages to basic data- types. Using this fact a teacher , who wanted to describe the advantages of C++, said: "I do not see any sense in sending a message to an 'int'." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: reinhard.foessmeier@munich.ixos.de This one's not really OO but deals with an OO language: "What's the name of the new OO COBOL -- an equivalent of C++?" "ADD 1 TO COBOL GIVING COBOL" Heard at the monthly Munich UNIX users' meeting. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From uu3.psi.com!sunsrvr6!sunsrvr1.cci.com!ddg This one is original: C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From angus@aegypt.demon.co.uk Sun Sep 25 07:53:43 1994 My favourite one to date is from Julian Turnbull (jst@dcs.ed.ac.uk) who has this as his signature: "This is an object-oriented system. If we change anything, the users object." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From bapat@gate.net Sun Sep 25 02:12:09 1994 In my book "Object-Oriented Networks: Models for Architecture, Operations, and Management" (Prentice Hall, 1994) I have quotations that begin each chapter with jokes drawn from the realm of OO programming and communication networks. You may find some interesting ones there. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From d90turpa@isy.liu.se Sat Sep 24 13:03:18 1994 I have no idea were I heard this: An OO surgeon would hand the scalpel to the patient and say: "now perform this operation on yourself!". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dittmer@OsFhRz03.rz.fh-osnabrueck.de Rabbi *** (Rafi???), the great talmud-teacher of the middle ages, comments on the biblical story of Jacob and Esau and the sold birthright: Think of a deep, very narrow pit. Throw some stones in it and take them out again. That stone which was thrown into the pit at last will be got out as the first one, and that stone, which was thrown in as the first, will be taken out at last. Transferred to Jacob and Esau this means, that Jacob in reality was from the first drop of semen and Esau from the second, therefor Esau was born as the first and Jacob as the second. So Jacob was right to deprive Esau of his birthright. __It's clear: the rabbi describes a stack...__ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From mwt@lightside.com Mon Sep 26 09:20:17 1994 The C-- Language. Envisioned as a subset of the C language (much as C++ is an object-oriented superset of the C language), C-- did away with both data and function entirely. A typical program in C-- simply sits there, serenely doing nothing. Rumor has it that several popular database programs are coded entirely in C--. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From cassel@sce.carleton.ca Mon Sep 26 08:46:59 1994 Before C++ we had to code all of bugs by hand; now we inherit them. No idea where it came from. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From puder@rubin.vsb.informatik.uni-frankfurt.de Mon Sep 26 08:17:16 1994 "C lets you shoot yourself in the foot rather easily. C++ allows you to reuse the bullet!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: juergen.heymann@sap-ag.de Here is mine (I'm not sure whether I heard it somewhere else): C has been called a razor without a handle. C++ is a better C. The razor is now even sharper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: McCown@COMSWSYS.TINKERNET.AF.MIL White or Whole Wheat (a Parable) Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?" One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype." The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years." "With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes." "The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs." "Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too." "We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook." "Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)." The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From mec@shell.portal.com Mon Sep 26 04:22:13 1994 This is not an OO joke, but it is a programming joke. Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one. But it takes him all night. And when he's done, the refrigerator and toilet are broken! I made up this joke about 1985. I hope that it will travel so far that someone will tell it to me someday. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From roger@is.co.za Mon Sep 26 11:37:46 1994 The nice thing about C++ is that only your friends can handle your private parts. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From kanze@lts.sel.alcatel.de Mon Sep 26 12:54:15 1994 Not really a joke, but I believe that at one time, there was a company in Bruxelles with the name: Belgian Object Oriented Business Systems. Because of the length, they tended just to use the acronym. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From greg@afs.com Mon Sep 26 12:39:18 1994 I am not taking credit for any of the following. They come from the funniest book published this year, The Unix Hater's Handbook (IDG Books, ISBN 1-56884-203-1), written by Simson Garfinkel, Daniel Weise, and Steven Strassman. These come from the chapter on C++: C++: The COBOL of the 90s C++: Hard to learn and built to stay that way C++ is to C as Lung Cancer is to Lung If C gives you enough rope to hang yourself, C++ gives you enough rope to bind and gag your neighborhood, rig the sails on a small ship, and still have enough rope left over to hang yourself from the yardarm. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From pstaite@VNET.IBM.COM Mon Sep 26 12:41:16 1994 C code. C code run. Run code, run! C sick and sh shocked. C++ Where only your friends can access your private parts. C++ should have been called D. Cheap, Fast, Good--pick two. Code softly and carry a big debugger. Don't get suckered in by comments--only debug code. Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. If cars had followed the same developmental path as computers, a Rolls Royce would cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. There is not now and never will be a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. Having trouble with C++? Remember, you could do this in ASM, C, or Ada, but who'd want to? One of my own one-liners: Source Code Safaris, Inc. -- "Bug hunting is our business, we aim to please and we shoot to kill." Here's a version of the "Ten Commandments" for C++ programmers. I put this together based on the C version... The Ten Commandments for C++ Programmers 1) Thou shalt not rely solely on the compiler-generated default methods for construction, destruction, copy construction, or assignment for any but the simplest of classes. Thou shalt scrupulously forge these "foremost four" methods for any non-trivial class, yea, even though thy implementation be but trivial. Further, thou shalt declare and define thy destructor as virtual such that others may become heir to the fruits of your labors with ease. 2) Thou shalt not violate the "is-a" rule by abusing the inheritance mechanism for thine own twisted perversions. Denounce with vigor the primordial OO publications wherein this sinful behavior was epitomized. 3) Thou shalt not rely on any implementation-dependent behavior of a compiler, operating system, nor hardware environment, lest your code be forever caged within that dungeon whilst others' code scampers unfettered through architectures as yet undreamt of. 4) Thou shalt not augment the interface of a class at the "concrete" level without most prudent deliberation. Such ill-begotten practices imprison thy clients unjustly into your classes, and foment unspeakable unrest when code maintenance and extension are required. 5) Thou shalt restrict thy friendship to truly worthy contemporaries. Beware, for thou art exposing thyself wellnigh as rudely as from a trench coat. 6) Thou shalt not abuse your implementation data by making it public or static except in the rarest of circumstances. Thy bits are thine own; share them not with others. 7) Thou shalt not suffer dangling pointers or references to be harbored within your objects. These are nefarious and precarious agents of random and wanton destruction. While ye may escape their wrath, thy fellow programmer may verily be ravaged by them. 8) Thou shalt make use of available class libraries as conscientiously as possible. Code reuse, not just thine own but that of your clients as well, is the holy grail of OO. A seemly set of class libraries will put you on a path where you may be enlightened. 9) Thou shalt forever forswear the use of the vile printf/scanf, rather favoring the flowing streams. Cast off thy vile C cloak and partake of the wondrous fruit of flexible and extensible IO. 10) Thou shalt avoid designing "big" classes--classes with both an unseemly abundance of instance data and tortuosly complicated interfaces. Such accursed classes are the unclean and unwieldy result of poor design. Be chastened, seek truth, and design again, that thy userid may be enshrined among the enumeration of the most purely virtuous. Finally, off the net is this rather long "Tao of Programming" While not specifically C++, it is entertaining. The Tao of Programming Thus spake the master programmer: "When you have learned to snatch the error code from the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave." Thus spake the master programmer: "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless." Thus spake the master programmer: "When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes." Thus spake the master programmer: "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program is its own hell." Thus spake the master programmer: "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to be maintained." Thus spake the master programmer: "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you can't make him computer literate." Thus spake the master programmer: "Let the programmers be many and the managers few -- then all will be productive." Thus spake the master programmer: "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software, hardware is useless." Thus spake the master programmer: "Time for you to leave." Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the Tao of Programming. If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is great, then the application is great. The user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of morning. The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth to the assembler. The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand languages. Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within the Tao. But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it. In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming. Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always have enough time and space to accomplish their goals. How could it be otherwise? The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there would be no Tao. The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program still has bugs. The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance: Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? The answer exists only in the Tao. ====================================== Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke he exclaimed: "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!" ====================================== A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying, "What sort of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they made rude noises during my presentation." The manager said, "I should have never sent you to the conference. Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations. Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother with social conventions?" "They are alive within the Tao." ====================================== A novice asked the Master, "Here is a programmer that never designs, documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of the best programmers in the world. Why is this?" The master replied, "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has entered the mystery of the Tao." ====================================== There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as he entered, the man told the guard at the door: "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape me unplundered." This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, but nothing was to be found. On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the guard, saying, "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?" The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said. ====================================== There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying, "What is appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must understand the Tao before transcending structure." ====================================== There once was a programmer who was attached to the court of the Warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer, "Which is easier to design: an accounting package or an operating system?" "An operating system," replied the programmer. The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating system," he said. "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outside appearances. When designing an operating system the programmer seeks the simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system is easier to design." The Warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all well and good, but which is easier to debug?" The programmer made no reply. ====================================== A manager went to a master programmer and showed him the requirements document for a new application. The manager asked the master, "How long will it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?" "It will take one year," said the master promptly. "But we need this system immediately if not sooner! How long will it take if I assign ten programmers to it?" The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years." "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?" The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be completed," he said. ====================================== A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a string of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming rigidity. A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the way that astonishes him least. A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward appearances. If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the program. ====================================== A novice asked the master, "I have a program that sometimes runs and sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally baffled. What is the reason for this?" The master replied, "You are confused because you do not understand the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect. The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal. Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment." "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the novice. "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master. ====================================== A master was explaining the meaning of the Tao to one of his novices, "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," said the master. "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. "It is," came the reply. "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. "It is even in a video game," said the master. "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today," he said. ====================================== Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program ran like gentle wind. "Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is flawless!" "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no longer saw this mass. Instead, I saw subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems.. I see them coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for a moment and then log off." Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!" ====================================== A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant. Neither sound not thoughts can travel through a vacuum. Software rots if not used. These are great mysteries. ====================================== A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer promptly replied. "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully, how long will it take?" The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said. "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager. "I will be satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete." The programmer agreed to this. Several years later, the manager retired. On the way to his retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal. He had been programming all night. ====================================== A novice programmer was assigned to code a simple financial package. The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set of generalized graphics routines, and an artificial intelligence interface, but not the slightest mention of anything financial. When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually." ====================================== Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? Does a good father allow a single child to starve? Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code? ====================================== When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll in. Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be solved. Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. ====================================== Why are programmers non-productive? Because their time is wasted in meetings. Why are programmers rebellious? Because the management interferes too much. Why are the programmers resigning one by one? Because they are burnt out. Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. ====================================== A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the manager retained his job. The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer refused it, saying , "I wrote this program because I thought it was an interesting concept, and thus I expect no reward." The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an employee. Let's promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!" But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on." ====================================== A manager went to his programmers and told them, "As regards to your work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several resigned on the spot. So the manager said, "All right, in that case you may set your own working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The programmers, now satisfied, began to come in at noon and work to the wee hours of the morning. ====================================== A novice asked the master, "In the east there is a great tree-structure that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an unnatural entity exist?" The master replied, "You perceive this immense structure and are disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement form its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?" In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue sky at its back, returns home. The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know that the bird has come and gone. ====================================== The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the master's office while the master waited in silence. "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation," began the magician, "egronomically designed with a proprietary operating system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct. Is it not amazing?" The master raised his eyebrows slightly, "It is indeed amazing," he said. "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that everyone use this workstation as a platform for new growth. Do you agree to this?" "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well pleased. Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do you know where it might be?" "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform in the data center." ====================================== The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. A novice asked the master, "I perceive that one computer company is much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. Why is this so?" The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it as a servant. But because it combines all these things, people think it one of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort." A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me," he said, "may I examine it?" The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. "I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, and Hard," said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play, where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the human." "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this mysterious setting?" The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. And suddenly the novice was enlightened. ====================================== There was once a programmer who worked on microprocessors. "Look at how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit, "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?" The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his friend, saying, "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the midst of the data center. Its disk drives end-to-end like a great ocean of machinery. The software is multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am." The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the two programmers remained friends until the end of their days. Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said, "You are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking to conquer the world. Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them, "The Tao lives beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From sasdjb@unx.sas.com Mon Sep 26 13:46:20 1994 These are original (i.e. mine) which I used in a poster announcing a talk I was giving about OO GUI. Included in "Dave's Top Ten List" of reasons to attend my talk were: * Find out if SUBCLASS is really just another word for Social Darwinism * Learn if [insert your favorite language here] methods are more reliable than the Rhythm Method Of course, you can always choose interesting class names in your C++ declarations: class warfare { class clown { class upperMiddle { ad infinitum.... When a student asks a question, reply: "Bzzzzt. Please restate that in the form of a (virtual question | accessor method | ...)" "Bzzzt. You cannot ask that because the answer is a private member." No one said that computer scientists made good comediens :-) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From emerson@next532-9.gsfc.nasa.gov Mon Sep 26 17:37:05 1994 Sorry, not sure where any of the following came from ... OK, I admit it: My girlfriend's just an object to me. Unfortunately, there is some information hiding, but thankfully, she's fairly encapsulated, nicely modular, and has a very well defined interface! "Sure! It's like OO! You don't write code or store data! You just inherit the classes that do!!" This is an actual play/performance art: 1924: Man and Machine Mechanical 1994: Man and Machine Digital "An Object Orientation" is a fable that presents the search for meaning in a world influenced by technology and defined by information. The play re-inteprets the man and machine aesthetic for the information age using the most powerful medium- the human being. An Object Orientation is the story of two Waiting for Godot- like characters, If and Loop, who have searched for a "missing piece of data" so long that their search has become meaningless. They appeal to the software "objects" -personified as human characters- for aid in their efforts to solve this mystery. Agreeing to help, the objects start an amusing search briefly touching on aspects of history, life, and popular culture. In the end, after the objects have done their playful yet exhaustive searches, an important discovery is made. Through this revelation, the play dramatizes the core issue facing "content" today, essentially whether our culture's current obsession with information obscures our need for meaning. "The play fuses technological and artistic elements to show the relationship between life and technology in our world," explained O'Brien. "It exists on one level as a simple fable for general audiences and at the same time on another level- as a visual dramatization of object software imitating life for those who know technology." Modus Ensemble, whose mission is to push the boundaries of theater, dance, and music in exploring humanistic concerns in today's information age, will present this technologically influenced drama by using the most powerful medium, the human being. No computers or special monitors will be used on stage. Instead, this modern play will be presented through the ancient tools of drama introduced by the Greeks- language, movement, and music. In the 1920s, movements such as Russian Constructivism emerged as a response to the changing conditions brought on by the rise of the Industrial Age. In performances, actors used machine-like movements to depict industry in the theater and in the broader sense, in life itself. In the case of An Object Orientation, the relationship of man and machine is still being explored. At the dawn of the Information Age, today's industry is computers, and more specifically- the software that runs on computers. An Object Orientation defines a new visual and movement aesthetic used to show the man and machine relationship through performance. What is unique about the structure and content of this play is that for those spectators who understand technology, there are layers of meaning hidden beneath the surface of the text through the use of double entendre, indirect references, and contextual associations. The relationship between the human metaphors and the hidden technological concepts in the play shows how new software environments more closely mimic the way people today interact. Dramaturg Weber observes, "The new play An Object Orientation presents us with one of the first experiments seeking to explore the options a theater of the future might consider. The text doesn't merely dress a familiar dramatic model in the mantle of new technologies, it rather has chosen to make the language and the gestures of electronic communication, and the computer industry, a matter of content. Humanizing the world of object orientation, the play makes the new technology accessible, tangible, and in the most comprehensive meaning of the term- entertaining." Attracting widespread attention as an event combining artistic and technological interests in a unique way, the Object Management Group (OMG), a consortium of 380 computer companies from all over the world, Stanford University, and One Abstract, Inc., a San Francisco based creative/strategic consulting firm, have offered their support for the production. OMG, a non-profit organization chartered with educational interests and setting software standards, assisted in the establishment of a sponsorship program to help fund the play. The play's opening coincides with Object World, an international software industry conference, jointly produced by OMG and International Data Group's World Expo. Object technology is revolutionizing the software industry. Ultimately, object technology will be the foundation for many emerging multimedia and information superhighway applications. Object-oriented technology is a software methodology that utilizes "reusable" modules to make software more interchangeable and better able to simulate real world events, places, and things. The actors playing objects in the play continually recast themselves in new roles- becoming in a way, "reusable" characters, modifying their behavior according to changes dictated by the various scenes and interactions. In addition to OMG, Stanford University Department of Drama provided assistance in the development of the script by hosting a workshop production of "An Object Orientation" in October of 1993. Group discussions with members of the general public and representatives of Silicon Valley computer companies after each Stanford performance provided important feedback about the ideas in the script. Modus draws funding and resources from One Abstract, Inc. As artistic director for both Modus and One Abstract, O'Brien is working to forge links between art, technology, and business. One Abstract, Inc. specializes in the use of live performance, multimedia, and the written word to present the strategic interpretation and dramatic representation of technology.